When we lived in Minnesota, we enrolled our daughter in the state sponsored Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) program. We paid a small fee, sent her to preschool two mornings per week, and twice a month I joined her in her classroom. On parent days, the moms would spend an hour with our kids, then we’d go to our own classroom, with coffee and snacks and our own teacher.
Midway through the year, we started building up to “safe touch” week. The kids were going to learn about safe touch in their classroom, and the parent educator helped us prepare ourselves and our children for that discussion. Naturally, we had lots of questions.
“So, how do we help our kids understand why some parts of their body are private? Why we always cover certain areas? Why it’s okay for someone to touch some places but not others? How these parts are private, but not something to be ashamed of?”
All of which led, of course, into sex talk, and that four is just as good an age as any to start talking about sex.
I was shocked. An equally stunned mom thought out loud, “I would have never thought to start talking this early about sex!”
She looked at the ceiling, still thinking. “But then again, by the time my parents wanted to talk to me, my hormones had already kicked in and I thought, ‘eeeewwww! I’m not talking to you about that!'”
Our resident expert mom, who had already been through the program three times with her other children, and who was my personal put-together-even-though-I-have-four-kids idol, pshawed us all and said, “Talking about sex is easy at this age! They’re not embarrassed. They’ll probably just ask for ice cream when you’re done.”
She added, “It’s easier than telling them about Santa.”
Our instructor suggested a book for us all, What’s the Big Secret, and I picked it up at the library that afternoon while the kids got their Magic Treehouse books (We hadn’t talked to our son about sex yet either. He was six at the time.) At home, I pre-read the book in the bathroom, the only room for privacy as any parent will know. I found it satisfactory, left it on the counter, and then went into the kitchen to start working on dinner.
When my husband came home from work, I was in full cooking mode, the oven fan running full blast, and I couldn’t hear a thing. He kissed me on the cheek and said, “Uhhhh, the kids are looking at this book…”
Crap! I hadn’t told him yet.
“Oh yeah,” I laughed nervously, “They must have found it in the bathroom. I was going to read it to them tonight.”
I poked my head into the living room where they were huddled together on the couch, giggling and pointing. I wiped my hands and asked my husband, “Maybe we should just do it now?”
My heart pounded faster than a hummingbird’s, and my palms were sweaty. I think my voice might have cracked when I said, “Hey kids, do you want to read that book together?”
“Yeah!”
Our son had asked me once how babies get out of their mom’s bellies, and without thinking, I said, “They come out through the mom’s vagina.” He and our daughter looked horrified. Then he laughed and pointed at his sister and said, “You’re going to have to do that one day!” I’m pretty sure that was the day she decided she wanted to be a boy.
It was obvious that I needed help in the tact department when it came to things like this, so I sat between them, wiped my hands on my jeans again, and started reading. I don’t remember a word of the book. I just remember the relief I felt as I turned each page, thinking, we’re doing this. We’re really doing it.
The kids giggled and pointed at the drawings of penises. Our daughter was fascinated by the diagram of a baby inside a mother’s womb. My husband and I answered any questions they had, but they didn’t have many.
When we were all finished, I asked, “Do y’all have any more questions?”
And our son said, “What’s for dinner?”
Alcohol for me, buddy. Spaghetti for you.
The expert mom was right. It really was easy. But we haven’t had the courage to tell them about Santa yet. I wonder if there’s a book for that…
That was three years ago, and our kids don’t remember any of it. But we’ve laid the groundwork and have gotten nerves out of the way. So when our daughter started asking questions the other night, I answered them as well as I could, reminded her of the book, and she said she wanted to look at it again. I ordered our own copy yesterday.
What’s the Big Secret? Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown, illustrated by Marc Brown
Butterfly Mind 
I didn’t think about it that way, but I guess it does make sense! I hope the second time around for you is just as easy, or at least half-way easy! I have another 3 years before Olivia is 4!
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Yes, you’ve got plenty of time to prepare. And now you won’t be caught off guard when the questions starting coming.
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This is an excellent book!
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Wow… Ok so you’ve sold me on this idea and I’m going to put this book on my “must buy” list. My son is only 2 and I wouldn’t have thought about talking to him about sex as early as 4, but perhaps I will try it. I have just over a year to build up my nerves now 🙂
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I highly recommend reading this book ahead of time, just to get an idea of what is age appropriate to talk about, and how to talk about it. You don’t have to go into mechanics and get all graphic at that age, but later on, they’ll want more information. God help us.
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Excellent post. And very relevant, very important in modern day context.
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Thanks. When our daughter, who is now 7, was asking questions the other night, we started talking about puberty and periods and how once a girl gets her period, she can have a baby. So I told her that it’s possible for a girl to have a baby at age 12 if she has sex. I said, “Do you think you’d want to take care of a baby if you were only 12 years old?” She shook her head, adamant that she would NOT want that responsibility. Good girl.
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I don’t know what to say!! I remember my parents hushing up any subject nearing ‘sex’ even when I was clearly an adult. But I know, that is smth we need to change. My son is two. Although I have explained safe-touch and abuse to him, but sex…I guess I have atleast two years time to prepare a script for him to explain all that…. and muster some courage 😀
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Yet another awesome post…I’m glad I didn’t have a drink in my mouth, because I might well have spit it with laughter…”Alcohol for me, buddy. Spaghetti for you.”. One of many truly great lines! And something to look forward to in 4.5 years. Oh, and I think I’m with your daughter…these days I’m definitely wishing I was a boy, especially as I start contemplating the actual birthing process. We’re taking a class at the hospital called “One Wonderful Day”, and all I can say is a) I hope it is only 1 day, and b) perhaps for the man, but who are they kidding? They should call it “A couple of agonizing days leading to long-term sleep deprivation, though overall worth it. Sucka!”. Though I guess that’s a bit long!
Also, I’m glad to hear she already knows she doesn’t want a baby at 12. I’m not sure I was that smart at 7. That is perhaps why my mom used the oldest birth control trick in the book during my middle school years…the dorky haircut (in my case, a female mullet). Took me until my 30s to get over it! 😉
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Here is a GREAT book my daughter LOVED and read over and over again as she was maturing.
http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-American-Girl-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362149851&sr=1-1&keywords=american+girl
it’s called “American Girl. THE CARE AND KEEPING OF YOU” ….
When my daughter first started her period (she knew what it was because we’d discussed this curse many times) we celebrated. Poor thing, she was only 10 years old. So we made it a happy thing. She skipped the rest of the school week. I took her to lunch at a place of her choosing and then to buy a new outfit and all new “young lady” underwear and new cozy pair of pajamas to live out the rest of her week in. We had talks…lots of talk. About sex, about periods and what it all means. It was just SO easy to do. She asked a million questions and I answered them the best I could. We discussed being a young lady and becoming a young woman. We talked about the value of it all. It was perfect. It far less traumatic than telling her the truth about Santa Claus (which we had to do that year because we felt anyone having periods needs to know the truth about Santa! I was a whole hearted believer in Santa until I was 12!…wow) …..Well, she is almost 22 now and has ALWAYS been VERY open and honest with me about everything…she told me when she was thinking about sex (hello BCP!) and also when she decided to start having sex (THANKFULLY she waitied until she was in college. I always knew it was unrealistic to expect her to wait for marriage…i didnt, not many do)…I admit, THAT was awkward but I listened close and value so very much that she COMES TO ME FIRST. I can’t express how VALUABLE it is to have those lines of communication OPEN with your kids and the ONLY way to open them is to start when they are YOUNG…You’re doing it! KEEP doing it…Also, in my household, we are not afraid of our bodies. We don’t parade around naked, but we dont freak out about nudity either. Bodies are beautiful and not to be ashamed of. 🙂
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