Do you know what you want most, deep down in your truest self? Something you’ve desired all of your life, that’s part of who you are as a person? I don’t.
When I see encouragement to Follow your dreams!, Align your actions with your values!, or to Honor your true desire! rather than staying safe but stagnant, my first thought is, “Gah! I don’t know what my dreams are!”
I don’t know what my true, deepest desire is. Is it to be loved? To be liked? For my kids and the people I love to be happy? Is it to travel? To live near the ocean? Any of those alone doesn’t seem like enough. To be loved or liked or for my loved ones to be happy — all of those are outside of my control, so it seems futile for any those to be my deepest desire. If my true desire is to travel or live by the ocean, why? What is it that I want from those these things?
With travel, I seek new experiences, new scenery, new people to observe. I seek input and learning and expansion so that I’m not contained in my own bubble with limited perspective and understanding. I think I value those things because I seek connection with humanity and the world around us. With my desire to live near the ocean, I think that’s also because I seek connection, but with nature and spirituality. I want to tap into the forces of of the universe, and I feel those best when I’m by the salty sea.
I wonder if this means that feeling a connection is a deep driver for me: connection with both humanity and a higher force that’s bigger than all of us.
When I look at what I do with my free time, this tracks. I read and have always read. I like to read for similar reasons to why I like to travel. I don’t just read for entertainment, thought that’s definitely part of it. I mostly read because I’m fascinated by the millions of experiences of being human. I read to see through someone else’s eyes, to gain perspectives beyond my own. Again, I am drawn the bigness of the human experience, and the world, and the universe. We have an infinite future and a deeper history than I’ll ever be able to compass. But I do want to be a part of it.
I desire connection, this I see. This is good, because connection doesn’t have to be put off until I retire. But I don’t know if that’s my true desire, if it’s my dream. If connection is my true desire, I still don’t know the deepest why, I don’t know why I want to be connected to something bigger than me. Is it because I don’t want to feel alone? Is it because I desire to share goodness and love and empathy with others? Is it just because it feels good to feel connected? Maybe it’s the latter, and deep down I’m just a hedonist.
Do you know your deepest desire?