Our son graduated from college last weekend. He now has some wayfinding to do. He double majored in English and computer science. All along, he expected he would pursue a career in computer science for practicality. The English degree was for his heart. As the semesters went by, we saw his literature classes light him up. We saw pride when he talked about the papers he wrote.
When graduation weekend approached, he really wanted us there for his English ceremony, where he’d get to walk the stage with the English department and shake hands with the professors he loved and that helped him find and appreciate great literature. We were there for it, in the outdoor amphitheater surrounded by white columned buildings.
I expected our son to have some wayfinding to do after graduation. I did not expect his graduation exercises to affect me as deeply as they did. The English ceremony knocked me off kilter. I cried during the main speech, given by an exceptional speaker, probably a Shakespearean actor, who quoted passages and referenced authors I love. My heart swelled for our son because I knew these were his people. I thought, these are my people, too. And it shook me up, because that is not the path I chose.
This week I’ve been thinking a lot about what moves me, about why we’re here, about what I’m doing with my life. I’m trying not to have regrets. I don’t want a different outcome for my life. If I’d made different choices, I wouldn’t have the people in my life who I love: my husband, my kids, my post-college friends. I do regret not paying attention to my own loves, to what lit me up, and pursuing more of that so that I could have that experience. I loved my literature classes. I loved reading and learning and digging into the meaning of texts with other people. At our son’s graduation, as the English department speakers talked about what the graduates learned in their studies, I longed for that for myself. I came home and looked into graduate school. What would it take to get a masters in English? Do I have it in me?
As a 51 year-old woman, I find myself doing my own wayfinding right now.
I woke this morning thinking, I want to blog today. I’ve been quiet the past week after graduation, not really ready to talk about my unsettled feeling, my deep seeking. Now I’m ready. When I saw today’s blog prompt — What is the meaning of life? — I had to laugh. I guess the universe is ready too.
I’ve been tracking my activities the past couple of weeks to pay attention to what engages me, what energizes me, and what drains me. This has been especially poignant after the graduation exercises last weekend. The English ceremony made me reckon with my struggle to understand myself and be true to what lights me up.
Today I seeded a mind map with one of the things from my activity tracking that both energizes and engages me — communication — and did a bunch of free-word association from there. A few things popped up multiple times in this and another similar exercise I did yesterday: books, stories, art, beauty, humans, laughter, understanding. Peace. Connection. I guess these are the meaning of life to me. These are my way.
I’ve been traveling a lot the past few weeks — Albuquerque for my cousin’s wedding, Ireland for a leadership meetup for work, New York City for fun with my husband, and Spain for our operations team meetup. The travel was exciting, but I’m glad to finally be home. With the sniffles, but home.
I’ve felt frazzled over the past few weeks with all of the travel, Thanksgiving, both kids’ birthdays, lots of new stuff at work, and Christmas on the way. My brain has been working overtime and I haven’t had the creative energy to write or blog. I feel that frazzle easing a bit now as I move some things to the completed column.
White lights twinkle on our Christmas tree and front porch rail. Snow glitters on the ground. We’ve brought the holiday decorations out of storage, and steam rises from a reindeer coffee mug by my side. Our daughter is asleep in her bed here at home. She drove up yesterday from Florida, her third semester of college complete, and opened birthday presents at 9:30 last night after starting the day with an exam then driving 10 hours. Her birthday was Wednesday, and it was the first time in her life we haven’t been with her for it. She had a fun day with friends in St. Augustine, so it’s not a sad thing. Just weird. For us.
One cat lays on my lapboard, snuggled against my belly with her chin resting on my forearm as I type; the other lays on the seat cushion behind me. We had a fire last night, and this morning I’m warm in my soft sweatshirt, sweatpants, and thick wool socks. I am cozy. I can feel my body relaxing into the beauty of winter and Christmas. With one of our babies here at home and the other on his way in a few days, my heart feels peace.
Today is my birthday, and I took the day off for it. I walked with the birds and crickets this morning and listened to cattle low. I copied favorite or new-to-me words from The Weight of Ink into the purple notebook I fill with words I like: simper, fettle, apostate. I sat with one leg crossed over the other, sipped my tea, and completed the crossword.
But not correctly.
A few weeks ago, we spent a long weekend at the beach: our college kids, my husband, and me. One afternoon we were stuck in the house while it poured out. Our son subscribes to the NYT games, and I asked if he still did the crossword, and he showed me his game history, where his participation dropped off as soon as classes ended, and he said, I should start them again. He told us how hard the Saturday crossword is.
It was Saturday, and naturally, I wanted to experience just how hard the Saturday puzzle is. He airplayed his phone screen to the TV and I about died of delight. We did the crossword together as a family, shouting words at the TV as he advanced through the squares and typed what we said. Before he put it up, he said we’d never get it, the Saturday ones are too hard. With all four of us contributing, we completed it in 12 minutes.
He asked why I don’t subscribe. I said I don’t have time for the crossword. I can do Wordle, and Connections — those are the time commitment I can make. But on vacation, he and our daughter introduced me to the Mini, which I added to my morning ritual while we were at the beach, and then kept it when we got home.
Last week, the NYT started charging for the Mini. Conveniently, they were also running a 75% off special for an annual subscription to all the games via the games app.
Guess who has now made time for the crossword?
I’m in a coffee shop with a foamy cappuccino. In my purse is a notebook. In my backpack are my laptop and The Great Gatsby, which I’m rereading. All are with me because I wasn’t sure if I’d want to journal, read, or blog. It’s like being on sabbatical again!
Also with me is my phone, the completed crossword puzzle on it, with a note from NYT saying “Close, but not quite.” What I truly want to do is figure out my crossword error(s). I’ve looked at it over and over again. To distract myself and maybe shake something loose, I opted to blog. I was feeling the itch.
Back in the days before cell phones, when I was not yet an adult so junk mail and bills didn’t exist for me, I loved mail. I’d eagerly await the mail truck every day, especially in summer, in hopes I’d get a letter from a friend or my pen pal in Maine. When there was a hand-addressed envelope in the mailbox, my heart would leap with delight.
In high school, when my dear friend went away to camp every summer, and then moved away against her will junior year, we wrote each other multiple letters per week. Fat letters that pushed the limits of envelopes drenched in doodles and drawings.
My husband and I lived apart the first two years of our courtship. And by apart, I don’t mean we live in separate apartments, I mean that he was finishing his summer job in the Florida Keys, or hiking the Appalachian Trail, or working on Jekyll Island while I finished college in Athens, Georgia. We got to know each other through letters.
For the same reasons I appreciate communicating through written text at work — writing refines thought and anchors ideas that can be revisited and reread for contemplation — I am grateful for written correspondences with people I know and love. You get to know different parts of each other through writing that might not come through in spoken conversations. You get to see inside someone’s mind when they have the privacy and quiet to sit down and write a letter, alone, without a partner conversing in real time with them. You have an artifact you can keep for 35 years, then open one day if you’re feeling nostalgic, and see their handwriting, and what was important to you both at that point in your lives, and smile with love for this person who makes your life better because they make you laugh, they open your eyes, they make you think about things in fresh ways, they’ve helped you become who you are.
I am still close with my dear friend who I wrote letters with 35 years ago. She visited me while I was on sabbatical, and she told me she wants to get back into letter writing. She and I have been writing letters back and forth ever since. I checked the mailbox last night and found a hand-addressed envelope in there for me. My heart leapt with delight.
We had family dinner and game night plans, so I saved the letter. When I went to bed, I knew I’d have it to look forward to in the quiet of morning, and I again felt that little thrill of delight. I savored it just now with my coffee, and some time in my downtime of the weekend, I get to compose a response.
I’m upstairs in the reading room at Shakespeare and Company while Owen shops downstairs. It’s quiet up here. The walls are lined with wooden bookshelves filled with English language hardbound books that aren’t for sale. Next to me is a reading nook, like a window seat in the corner, with a red velour cushion on it. I could sit there with my back against the honey wood wall and read if I were reading instead of writing. At the end of the hall in the room across from me, facing the window that looks out over the Seine and Notre Dame Cathedral, is a wooden table with an ancient typewriter with circle keys.
The floor is old cracked hexagonal tiles, brick red and faded terra cotta, wonderfully worn.The ceiling is wood beams, old old with gaps in the grain from swelling and shrinking. The ceiling is low. On the wall in the stairwell are black and white photos of authors: Virginia Woolf, Daphne du Maurier, Sylvia Plath. Maurice Sendak. James Baldwin. Other authors, like Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald, are painted in line illustrations in the stairwell beneath the photos. A piano sits in the corner. Photos of more authors adorn the walls around it. Walt Whitman. Toni Morrison.
Painted over the door is “Be not inhospitable to strangers lest they be angels in disguise.”
Painted on the stairs, “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
–May 31, 2025, 3:20pm
On our first full day in the city, I got to spend time alone with each person in my family doing something cool in Paris.
My husband and I were up before the kids, as we always are. We walked the Montmartre neighborhood again, this time in the cool of morning before the streets were clogged with tourists. We climbed the more than 200 steps to Basilique du Sacré-Cœur while runners with hydration vests ran down the steep cobbles beside the stone stairs. From the basilica, which sits at the top of Montmartre hill, you can see the whole of Paris.
After our walk, he and I had pastries and coffee at a little boulangerie around the corner, Chez Carla, where as I stood in line, I watched as they slid batches of fresh croissants off a pan into the display case. The croissants made a sound like stuffed dry leaves as they tumbled, flaky light and substantial at the same time.
Once the kids were awake, the four of us tried to figure out how to manage all of our desires. We each had a different One Thing we wanted to do in Paris. My husband wanted to head towards the river, maybe see Notre Dame. Our son’s one thing was the Shakespeare and Company book store. Our daughter wanted to shop, but her real one thing was to see the Eiffel Tower at night. I wanted to do it all. Plus Luxembourg Gardens.
We committed to shopping since our daughter’s time with us was limited.
We ventured out of our neighborhood, down Rue Marguerite de Rochechouart towards the Seine. We weren’t 5 minutes from our apartment when I grabbed a photo of what delighted me as a quintessential Parisian scene: flower boxes and window shutters above a fromagerie (cheese shop), with a chic woman walking through the frame just as I snapped the shot.
On our meanderings, our daughter and I stopped into a multi-level Zara next door to the Palais Garnier Opera House. The time we spent waiting in a sweltering line for sweltering fitting rooms ultimately paid off — she found a dress she loved. While we were in Zara, my husband and son sat on the palace stairs and listened to a street musician. Our son said later that that was one of his favorite moments from the trip, just sitting there taking in the guitar player, the busy streets, the palaces.
We walked by ritzy shops and through Jardin des Tuileries before standing on one of the more than a dozen bridges that crosses the Seine. At this point, the Left Bank, where Shakespeare and Company is, was right there, just a few steps further. I knew our son really wanted to go to the book store. I asked, do you want to go now? I do. We can split up.
So we split up. He and I walked the mile or more along the Seine, past the book vendors that I’ve read about so many times in so many books, including Hemingway’s A Movable Feast from his time in Paris more than100 years ago.
When we arrived, there was a line to get into the shop. There were lines for everything that day. The sidewalks were packed. The restaurants and cafés and museums and shops were packed.
Once inside, Shakespeare and Company was not packed; the purpose of the line was to control how many people are in the store at any given time. Once you’re in, you can breathe and feel the coziness of being in a really special book store, where beloved English language authors have found kindred spirits in their time in Paris, borrowed literature when they couldn’t afford to buy it, leaned on the shop owner to find rare books; they’ve read, written, thought, and found shelter.
I loved being with our son there. I loved that I got to go with him and experience it together. He picked up several books, put some back, picked up more, put more back. He’d brought his backpack so he could carry any books he bought. Ultimately, he took home The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky and Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. I bought Devotionals by Mary Oliver. We said yes when asked if we wanted our books stamped with the Shakespeare and Company stamp.
After the book store, we waited in the leafy cover of the Marché aux Fleurs (flower market) for my husband and daughter. Our son wanted to go back to the apartment. Our daughter wanted to shop more.
I went with our daughter, even though I was hot and hungry.
As soon as we started walking in the sun, she wilted, too. I saw a brasserie with tables in the shade, Le Sarah Bernhardt, and when I asked about a seat, the waiter took us around to a much better set of tables — we’d gone to the quiet side, and he took us around front where the people-watching was spectacular. We got seats at a little round table outside, facing the bustling Place du Châtelet, and sighed with pleasure to get off our feet.
I convinced our daughter that what she wanted was an Aperol Spritz. “They’re so refreshing on a hot day.” I got one, too. Our waiter was fun and friendly, full of smiles in in his tanned and wrinkled face. He brought us olives, and ice for our water (we were hot and I misunderstood him when he asked “still?” for our water, and I said, “Yes, chilled please.”)
Annabelle and I refreshed ourselves in the shade. We sipped our Aperol Spritzes and iced water, shared a caprese salad, and watched the fantastic style on display on the cobbled sidewalks in front of us. We commented on all the fashion we saw, what we liked, “Ooh, I love those pants,” “Look at those shoes!” , “That bag is spectacular,” “I like whatever this trouser thing is some of the guys are doing,” “I love how everyone uses color,” “Look how she pulls that off.” She talked about how refreshing it is that all the college girls where she’s studying abroad don’t wear the same things as each other like they do at home — women have their own style and wear what they wear because they like it, because they put it together, because it’s them. They don’t just wear whatever they’re supposed to wear so that they fit in. She admires the confidence and is inspired by it. And she loves that people actually care about style.
My edges were relaxed and fuzzy after the Aperol Spritz, and I felt wonderfully happy. We were fortified for another round of shopping after our rest and refreshment, and so we were off to Bershka, a store we don’t have at home, and where she found success and bought dresses and tops.
I was so happy to have that time alone with our daughter, and before that, with our son, and before that, with my husband, in this beautiful city. Our first morning at a café with coffee and croissants with my husband, appreciating Shakespeare and Company with our son, and Aperol Spritzes and people watching with our daughter were three of my favorite moments in our time in Paris.
I’m in Utah for a week. When I first began thinking about what I’d want to do on a sabbatical, one of the first things that came to mind was to take the chance to visit my oldest and dearest friends. One lives in Utah and the other in Arizona. I’ve been friends with them since I was 12, so almost 40 years. Because everyone has kids and jobs and busy lives, we typically only see each other once a year on a weekend we specifically carve out to spend time with each other.
As I age and appreciate how precious these friendships are, it’s important to me to spend time with these women I love. So when I planned the dates for my sabbatical, I started saving my money to also plan dates to come west.
Unlike our annual girls’ weekend, where we abandon our regular lives for 3 or 4 days, I’ve dropped in on my friend Amy’s everyday life for a full week. Yesterday I rode with her to drop her 9th grade daughter at school, we grocery shopped, she fixed her smoker while I went for a run in the desert, I kept her company while she seasoned salmon and thawed chicken to smoke. In the afternoon, I rode with her to pick her daughter up from school, where I got to meet her boyfriend who came up to the car and chatted us up in the parking lot. When we got home, I ate after school cake with her so I could hear all about her friend drama and who did what at school.
The four of us ate family dinner together at the table, and then I rode along again with Amy to drop her daughter off at rehearsals. She’s in a theater company, and next week is opening night for the Les Miserables production she’s in. We sat in on rehearsals for a while and I got to meet the people in Amy and her daughter’s life. I got to see what warmups are like for a theater production, and I got to witness these amazing kids act and sing.
At the end of the day, after a trip to the craft store and the hardware store so Amy could got materials for props she crafts for the theater company, we three adults sat outside under the stars by the fire pit Amy designed, and I sipped Campfire whiskey from Utah’s High West distillery.
Right now, their house is just waking up. I get to use Amy’s Vitamix, which I’m very excited about. When I got up, though, all the lights were out and the bedrooms dark, and I didn’t want to wake them, so I blogged instead. Now I can crank this bad boy up to fortify myself with a smoothie bowl for our big day ahead. After school drop-off, Amy and I are taking a day trip south, to the north rim of the Grand Canyon. I’ve got my camera packed! And tomorrow, we head to Vegas to pick up our other friend of 40 years, who will join us through the weekend 🎉