Butterfly Mind

I wish I’d have known

One of the crappy things about being young when you go to college is that you don’t have a clue what you want to do with your life.  Not really.  You’re 18 years old, still a kid, dedicating four years and tens of thousands of dollars to a path that, eh, it sounded good at the time.

Me, I got my degree in ecology.  I liked nature, and wanted to save the coral reefs, and I was good in science.  Ecology seemed a natural choice.  The courses were interesting when a passionate professor brought the material to life, but when I got home, I resented the textbooks and the equations and the biochem courses that required I actually study.  I resented them because they got in the way of my reading.

I should have gotten a clue when the classes I got excited about were my literature courses.  When every quarter, if I could squeeze an elective in, I sat with the catalog and my highlighter, devouring ENGL course descriptions and wishing I could sign up for every one.

I don’t know why I didn’t know then.  It seems so obvious now.  I think my ecology choice was largely influenced by an aptitude for science that seemed special somehow.  In high school, I saw classmates struggle with chemistry and algebra, and when those subjects weren’t that hard for me, I thought, “Well, I guess this is my talent.  This is what I should do with my life.”  And then I’d crack a Stephen King novel and read til 3 in the morning.

Now, as a near-40 woman who left the scientific field years ago (turns out I don’t have the aptitude or stamina for practicing science, only for learning what other scientists have already figured out), I regret I didn’t know myself better when I chose my path.  There is a craving in me that is difficult to quell.  The courses I would take if I had the chance now!  Creative writing, post Civil War American Literature, Creative Nonfiction, African American Fiction, Literary Magazine Editing and Publishing.  I want to read and write and discuss and learn, not science, but language and literature.  There is so much I do not know, and I feel like I’m spinning around in circles trying to figure out where to begin.

It makes me sad, the groping in the dark, the missed opportunity.  Like most college aged kids, I just didn’t know.  I didn’t know to take a close look at how I liked to spend my time, what my natural tendencies were, that Should was different from where my heart and mind truly lay.  Now, it’s too late for that formal education.  We need to be saving for our kids’ college, not another degree for me.

So, here I am, trying to find my way as a writer on my own, spinning around in circles, looking for a spotting point.  A direction to look so I won’t get dizzy.  A place to focus so I won’t fall down.  I’m doing it, in the sense that I’m reading books and writing words on a page.  That’s a start, right?  But I wish I would have known then, when I still had the chance.  When I would have had guidance, and mentoring, and feedback.  When I would have had classmates and teachers.  When I wouldn’t have been so alone.

This is my entry for the Daily Prompt: Fifteen Credits/LEARNING.

Andrea Badgley

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22 responses to “I wish I’d have known”

    • Yes, that might have been one reason why I never considered Literature as a career path, and it is certainly why I can’t justify taking on loans to go for it now.

  2. I love this post: you have written my very dilemma! I’m in the same boat as you. Only I’m ten years older. I went to college and got my degree in Accounting. Not because it was my passion, but because my father told me that no matter what I chose as my major, I needed to make sure That I could get a job and earn a paycheck. So, the corporate world was my first stop after graduating. Then 20 years of staying home to bring up my children. Now, I am a happy empty nester who desperately wishes she could do-over the college thing and study what is truly meaningful to her: literature, writing, philosophy. To have meaningful discussions with others who are also doing these things… ah, that would be incredible!

    • Amen sister! We get each other. I’m working at it by joining book clubs and critique groups, listening to literature related radio programs and podcasts, and throwing stuff at the wall on my blog. I’m glad this one stuck. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

    • Yes, that is definitely coming into play in some of the stuff I write, especially about the marshes. Thank you for reminding me of that – that nature writing is always an option.

  4. As a MA in English, I had all that, and I loved every minute of it, but it doesn’t make the words come any easier today. A sense of relevancy in what I write is still hard to achieve, and a deep fear that I’ll never be relevant as a writer (or a human for that matter) persists. Ultimately, we all write alone (it’s the hardest part of getting motivated for me…I’m an extrovert). I’d love to get a writing group together…give and take…feedback…criticism… I miss that part of formal English education the most. What do you think?

  5. Very well written and very true. I find myself in the same situation now, although I only began my journey into writing and blogging very recently. As I, too, am approaching forty I can completely empathize with your situation. I am glad that you found your way, at some point, or we’d be missing out on your unique and intriguing point of view.

    • Thanks so much Timur. I’m starting to get the feeling that our late 30s and early 40s are when we discover ourselves (for those of us who didn’t know before, anyway).

      • This may be from an old tune but is so true.”The most interesting people I know didn’t know at twenty two what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting forty year olds I know still don’t.” (Baz Luhrmann) If nothing else then, at least we may be a little more interesting than the average bear 🙂 Have a wonderful day. TimurZ

  6. You now have experience, in life, something to write about and an obvious talent. Looking forward to reading more, like this story it is yours. Great words and thank you for sharing them.

  8. That is really true. At 18 I didn’t know what I wanted to do in my life either! But luckily I did manage to do something that I enjoy. I kinda hope I won’t get tired of it one day!

  9. I’m an oddball I guess. I kind of had a clear direction for my life for many years…nursing and midwifery. Family health problems and homeschooling needed more of my attention, so midwifery had to go. Graduated my daughter and husband’s health declined, so turned almost full time caregiver only working one day a week as a nurse. Now, I’m 40 and feel like I suddenly don’t know what I want to do in life. When my caregiving is done, I really don’t know that nursing is what I want for the rest of my life other than to work occasionally in it.

    • Sounds like you’re in the same boat to me – trying to figure out what you want to do at age 40. Your story shows me, though, how full your life has already been, and reminds me that mine has been too. We can kind of just coast from here, right?