My husband stood at the kitchen window on Saturday. A warm spring breeze fluttered the curtains. He eyed the blue sky and watched joggers cruise by in short sleeves and shorts. His legs twitched to run intervals. “I think the kids are old enough to stay home alone,” he said. I stopped, fridge magnet in hand, about to pull the grocery list down and stuff it in my purse. My key ring jangled on my thumb.
“I don’t know, babe, what if something happened?” A tumble down the stairs. Smashed fingers. Shards of broken glass. A meteorite. I told him about last summer, when our daughter crushed her finger trying to fold up a wooden TV tray, and the kids couldn’t free her without my help. “She was screaming in pain,” I said. I nodded toward our son. “He was hopping from one foot to the other, wringing his hands, not knowing what to do to get her finger free. They were terrified,” I said.
“Well, we don’t have TV trays anymore,” our son volunteered. He was eager to be left unsupervised.
“But it could be something else,” I fretted. They’re only 9 and 7. And you were only 11 when you started babysitting, my mind meddled.
“I understand,” my husband said, and he hugged me. “But they will have to learn how to handle those kinds of things themselves eventually. If you are always there to rescue them, they won’t know what to do when they’re on their own.”
I wrinkled my brow, knowing he was right, but not able to accept it. I buried my face in his shoulder and hugged him for a while.
All week, I thought about what my husband said. I googled “when are kids old enough to leave alone at home,”¹ researched Virginia state laws² for guidance, tried to anticipate what the kids would need if something bad were to happen while they were alone. And then I took my first step.
“Kiddos, I need to run to the Food Lion. It’s right around the corner. I will only be gone 15 or 20 minutes. Are you okay with that?”
“YEAH!”
Okie dokie. Guess that answers the “are your children comfortable with being left alone?” question.
“Ok, first the rules.” I walked them over to the fridge and showed them the two index cards there.
“Don’t let anyone know you are here alone without a grown up. If someone knocks on the door, don’t answer it, don’t stand in front of the window. Pretend there’s nobody home.”
The kids nodded, eyes focused intently on me, absorbing every word.
“Same with the phone. If someone asks for me, say ‘I’m sorry, she’s not available right now. May I take a message?’”
More nodding.
“And don’t use the stove.” I recently taught them how to make their own oatmeal, following the directions on the giant canister of oats, so they’ve been using the stove lately. “I’ll only be gone a few minutes, so that shouldn’t be an issue anyway.”
I pulled the emergency information card off the refrigerator and pointed to our cell phone numbers. “If there’s an emergency, call me first. I will tell you if you need to call 911. Here’s our address and phone number in case you do have to dial 911 and you get nervous and forget them.”
I walked them into the living room, pointed out the phone to remind them where it was.
“I made you a first aid kit³.” I crouched down and showed them the shoebox. I looked at our daughter, “Do you think you could decorate this tomorrow with red construction paper and a white cross? Like what the lifeguards wear?”
“Yes,” she smiled, and her eyes glittered. She loves a craft project.
“In here we’ve got band aids, cotton balls, alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, antibiotic ointment, bug bite cream, scissors, bandages, and another copy of the emergency phone numbers.” I rifled through the box. “I need to get us a first aid manual, but this will do for now.”
I stood up and took a deep breath. “Ok, are you okay with this?”
“Yes Mom,” they said.
Our daughter gave me a big hug around my hips. “Thank you for putting the first aid kit where we can reach it.”
I didn’t need to leave them alone. They could have easily come with me. But I wanted to take our first baby step. At the Food Lion, my cell phone read “no service.” I rushed in and out, hoping everything was okay. That they hadn’t tried to call.
I unlocked the door 15 minutes after I’d left and stuck my head inside, grocery bags rustling in my hands. “Is everyone alive?”
“Yes,” our son said around a mouthful of food. He was still where I left him. Sitting at the table, eating a snack, reading the back of the cereal box. Like I’d never been gone.
“Yes!” our daughter yelled from upstairs. She trotted down the carpeted steps, stuffing her turquoise beach towel into her workout bag. “I’m ready for swim practice,” she said. She had suited up and put her bag together while I was gone.
I dropped the grocery bags and hugged her, then held her hand and led her to her brother at the table. “I’m so proud of you both,” I beamed. She beamed back at me. I’m pretty sure our son rolled his eyes.
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¹ From When is a Child Old Enough to Stay Home Alone? on the New York Times parenting blog, Motherlode: “The United States Department of Health and Human Services has some guidelines for evaluating both the children and the circumstances under which you’re leaving:
- Are your children physically and mentally able to care for themselves?
- Does your child obey rules and make good decisions?
- Does your child feel comfortable or fearful about being home alone?
- How long will your child be left home alone at one time? Will it be during the day, evening or night?
- Will the child need to fix a meal?
- How often will the children be expected to care for themselves?
- How many children are being left home alone? Children who seem ready to stay home alone may not necessarily be ready to care for younger siblings.
- Is your home safe and free of hazards?
- How safe is your neighborhood?”
² As far as I can tell, there are no minimum age restrictions in the state of Virginia regarding when a child can legally stay home alone. The Richmond Times Dispatch offers similar guidelines as above.
³ Our First Aid kit contains (* = or will soon contain); with guidance from First-Aid Kit and 13 Things Every First Aid Kit Should Have:
- Antiseptic spray
- Band Aids and *gauze pads
- Scissors, *tweezers, *fingernail clippers
- Cotton balls, alcohol wipes
- Rubbing Alcohol
- Hydrogen Peroxide
- Antibiotic ointment
- Hydrocortisone cream
- List of emergency phone numbers
- *First Aid Manual
Butterfly Mind 
As I recall, you babysat for my little boys when you were 11! You were big and brave and confident acting. I was nervous. Now that you are a mom, all that looks different, doesn’t it?
Your blog is excellent! This one made me smile to hear/read you express so well what all moms feel.
Cindy
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Thank you Cindy, and yes, it looks so different as a parent! 11 is still a baby, right? It feels that way to me now, though I’m sure it didn’t when I was 11 and babysitting your boys.
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And a new chapter begins…
These leaps in development for the children always leave me trailing behind both mentally and physically. I look forward to this day and dread it still. Congrats on raising kids who are eager to be self sufficient. That is no small thing.
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Thank you Amy 🙂 It is exhilarating and heart-breaking at the same time. I am so proud of them, though, that they want to be independent. It feels wonderful that they have confidence in themselves.
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Morgan was ready to stay home alone before we were ready for it. Then with our lifestyle (WAHD, SAHM & hs’ing kids) we had to create situations for her to stay home alone. Alex wasn’t ready for long after we were ready for him to be. But they are such individuals that you really have to decide when is right for each child based on their personalities, comfort level,etc. I was forced into staying home alone w/my younger sibling for long periods of time and being responsible for starting dinner & more at a young age due to divorce. I didn’t want that for my kids and am so thankful that they have been able to come to it on their own time. They are now 14 1/2 and 12 and growing up way too fast.
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Yeah, we’re definitely taking small steps, and they are more ready than I am. I think I’m only comfortable with a half hour or so, when I’m within 5 minutes of them, and only during the day. I’m such a braveheart 😉
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I’m a pretty loose mom and definitely NOT a hover parent, but I’ve gotta say, you are braver than I am. Spencer still doesn’t like leaving them home alone and they are now 12 and 9. I was forced to when I started school in August, but I still get a tad nervous. We have to start somewhere, right!??? I HAVE noticed that they get along better when neither parent are home haha. And we were 11 and 12 when we started babysitting, right? Lol I’m comfortable with Bethany babysitting other kids but her being alone for 2 hours makes me feel bad?!? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m hurting used to it.
Good for you!!
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I still can’t believe we were babysitting at 11 or 12. But there it is. They’ll stay kids forever if we don’t let them grow up. Sniff.
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Never leave them home alone! And don’t let them start dating until they’re 30. Or get a driver’s license. I remember when you were babysitting next door and little Jim pulled the TV out of the cabinet, and before that had to watch “Annie” with Rosie about a thousand times. I’m waxing nostalgic, and it’s hard watching everyone growing up and older, but it’s satisfying at the same time. Let them know if there’s ever an intruder to not hang up after dialing 911, and to stay online until help arrives.
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Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks Dad.
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Like you I was babysitting at 11. I was so grown up though…. The first time I left my son home was really difficult and he was about 7 or 8 I was just running to the store less than 5 min down the road and I alerted the neighbors. It is always nerve wracking. Now at 15 he babysits his much younger brothers and I still get nervous leaving the 3 of them “alone”.
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And one day they will drive away in a car, on their own. Can you believe that? I realized the other day that our son is halfway to 18. We need to slow down time.
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Way too fast, my oldest will bee driving in 6 months! ugh
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aww…I remember taking these baby steps too…I think my first “baby step” was driving to the corner, filling my car with gas and driving home. I HATED IT and loved it at the same time. The next time I actually went to the store a few miles down the road…It was ALOT easier to take these steps when we were living on a military base where there is almost NO crime but was a little scary when we moved off base. In one of our houses, we created a small “panic room” for the kids. If anyone were to break in, they could hide in this hidden “closet” that locked from the inside and had a special separate phone line inside with a phone for calling 911. I kept a few bottles of water, first aid, phone numbers and a flashlight in there and there were good things they could hide behind in there as well. It gave us all a little extra peace of mind. Andrea, I think you are raising responsible kids and doing the right thing. You’re a good Mommy 🙂
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Wow, and I thought *I* was prepared 😉
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This just reminded me how quickly time goes by! My 5 yo may be able to stay home by herself in just a few years. Makes me kind of sad. Thanks for the information though :).
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You’re very welcome. I was hoping this would serve as a resource for other parents who struggle with this big step.
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Reblogged this on Family,Friends and Everything in Between.
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As parent, we eventually faces the decision to leave our kids alone, when we really have to. However, when we decided to leave them, we need to make sure that they are properly trained to face all the possible danger that they may encounter. Keeping our children safe is our full responsibility. I’m a mother and I do almost everything to protect my daughter from getting hurt. That is why I provided him this mobile-based safety service for her protection. Just pressing a button he can notify and alert friends, family and myself. If needed, the call will be routed to the nearest 911 dispatch. Protect your kids too and check this out: https://login.safekidzone.com/mobilesafety/?CampaignLandingPage=RelentlessProtectionSafeLink&refcode=relentlessprotection&%3Ba_aid=514ae0d65ccc2
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